ecommerce company number one asks what i want doing with my parcel if i’m not in when they try to deliver it. they tell me that even if it’s just left on the doorstep it’s insured in case it’s swiped. i say “that’ll do nicely” and come home to find a box outside my front door.

ecommerce company number two try to deliver a parcel three times. in between each delivery i phone the parcel company and offer to pick the parcel up from the depot. they take my mobile phone number and don’t return my call. both the parcel company and the ecommerce company try to call me on my home phone number which i gave to neither party. the parcel company have my mobile phone number and the ecommerce company specifically asked how they should contact me and i chose email. four calls and five days after the first delivery they call me back. they can’t give me any better directions to their depot than the road and the town. i spend more than a lunch hour driving round sunderland unable to locate it (i’m not that bad a navigator). i give up and let them return the parcel to sender. i hope the ecommerce company refund my money.

this winter i will mostly be drinking virgin wines. i will not be wearing lands end jumpers.